RogerFederer

Hi everyone! Roger Federer here, Dan has mentioned above that my so-called 'real name' is 'Joe H', but this is merely a nom de guerre. My real name is in fact, as should be obvious, Roger Federer. Thanks, Your Friend in football and in life, Roger Federer

Hi everyone, Roger Federer here. What a long time it has been! I have won precisely zero grand slams in the period between the previous league stopping and the new league starting! Is this a coincidence, do you think? Looking forward to playing some football! Yours, As always, The resplendent, The majestic, Roger Federer

Hi everyone, Roger Federer here, with my new weekly professional internet football column journalism – Match Points! I will explain the title and the premise for you, dear readers, since you might not have the developed sense of humour of me, Roger Federer, a 17 time Grand Slam winner and professional Greatest Tennis Player of All Time. You see, it is a clever pun, because in tennis we have something called ‘match point’, which is where one more point will win you the match! And I will be expounding on some specific points about the matches that we are playing in Xpert! So you see? MATCH POINTS! It’s clever isn’t it? Match points will be delivered to your electro-doorstep each week after the fixtures in question have been played. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO! Bolton Star Foxes 1 - 1 CHAMPIONS LEAGUE CHAMPIONS Some commentators had expected something of a rout here, but both sides came away with a point after unexpectedly unspectacular first round match-up. Peeps, for one, will be happy. Pre-season press conferences with the Wanderer’s erstwhile manager were dominated by talk of an unavoidable relegation, impending doom, and focus on development over results. Yet they staked an early claim for survival here, putting in a scrappy yet effective performance to grind out a draw against Nikos’s Champions League-winning side. After a dull opening characterised by defensive tenacity and unimaginative attacking, Intergalactico took the lead on the half hour mark, with Diego Zorro knocking in a header at the far post to nicely finish one of the game’s few genuine moments of flair. Ramos pinched the ball from Rosbottom’s toe on the half-way line, guided the ball infield to Scabos, and proceeded to rampage up the left flank, picking up Scabos’ mouth-watering lofted through-ball before cutting inside past the hapless Gledhill and whipping in a ball that was destined to collide with Zorro’s be-hatted head. However, the move was not without its controversy; Peeps immediately running over to harangue the fourth official, apparently unhappy with an off the ball incident in the run up to the goal. And justifiably so, with TV replays showing Zorro powering into the box astride a mighty stallion, skewering several defenders on his rapier in the process, yet Peeps’ complaints went unheeded by the fourth official, and the goal stood. Last season’s champions might have held on for the victory, if it were not for Rocky Miavia, Intergalactico’s ‘Ox in the Box’, pulling up with a thigh problem after only 15 minutes. His replacement, promising young defender Leonidas King, put in a reasonable shift here, but his lack of experience at this level was telling, and he left plenty of space in the channels that Peeps’ boys were able to exploit. King failed to track Brammers’ incisive run into the box on 34 minutes, allowing the midfielder to hit a neat sideways pass that gifted Gray an easy toe-poke equaliser from six yards. The rest of the game was less interesting, with neither team seeing any real clear-cut chances. The game was less ‘tiki-taka’ and more ’ticky-tocky’ as the home side hung on to the point and ran down the clock, shutting up shop and then parking the bus in front of it for good measure. Worth noting, however, is that for a game characterised by scrappy defending, it was pleasantly well-tempered, with the only caution coming for Intergalactico’s Gandalf Grey; his assertions that the opposing midfielders ‘SHALL NOT PASS!’ winning him nought but a yellow card for obstruction. Peeps will be pleased with a point here – you suspect their chances of survival this season will depend on frustrating technically superior teams at home. On the other hand, Nikos will see this very-winnable game as two points lost, and a missed opportunity to convert their Champions League momentum into an early league lead. John Lennon 1 -1 Winston’s Garden Party Winston and Yellow Sub have a long a storied rivalry, their many past bouts etched into the face of history. The two managers joined the world of N-Europe around the same time, but that’s where the similarities end - whilst Yellow Submarine were putting Eights to the sword and enjoying their years of table-topping success, Winston were playing weekday fixtures at stade de bob and battling for survival in the Middle League. However, after many a season of yo-yo relegation and embarrassment at the hands of Roger Federer, there is a real air of belief and optimism in the Lions’ camp, and a real hope that the Lions can outdo the Lions’ beloved Tottenham and come higher than sixth this season. The Sub on the other hand, though no doubt still reeling from that cup final defeat to Intergalactico, are well placed to storm the barricades of Fortress Victory once again, sword and shield in hand, boot on foot, belief in heart. What followed was not quite a classic game of two halves, though it certainly provoked plenty of other dichotomies: this game was attack vs. defence. It was Guardiola squaring off against Mourinho; it was Red peppers in a cook off with green peppers; it was the psychedelic Yellow Sub versus good ol’ fashion Winston. It was matter vs. anti-matter, life vs. death. It was goal vs. own-goal. It was one vs. one. Most importantly, it was Ainsley vs. Ainsley. Just who is Ainsley Tobin? This charismatic figure found his way to Winston Gardens late in the transfer window, enticed to the club by promises of trophies, gold, and beautiful women. He’s 32 years of age (the same as yours truly! Roger FEDerer), a bit of a mercenary, a midfielder-for-hire, but a real tried and tested dynamo who’s as great with his head as he is with his feet. He provided all of this match’s interesting moments, beginning with a headed goal on 27 minutes that was nothing short of sublime. Leaping gracefully into the air, soaring above the shoulders of his peers, never taking his eyes of the ball, he headed the cross beautifully across goal and right into the top corner. But this wasn’t just a header. Ainsley isn’t the kind of man who simply ‘heads’ a ball. He’s the kind of man who caresses it. Who controls it. Who effortlessly steers it into the top corner. Who persuades it to do his bidding. Who takes the ball aside and whispers seductively into its stitching ‘now, my darling, you score’. The ball obliges. Of course the ball obliges. The ball obliges, and flies into the top corner of the Winston goal. 1-0 Yellow Submarine! Own goal of the season that, for sure. dan-likes-trees' reaction to Ainsley's beautiful own-goal. As to why the manager was carrying a tennis racket is still under investigation. The rest of the game passed without incident, each side having only a smattering of shots on goal, and, as the fourth official raised a big number two above his head, Ainsley’s thumping header seemed to be the only thing separating the two sides. Yet Winston were unbowed, and, urged on by the cheers of the travelling crowd, stormed up the pitch for a final attack. Coelho launched a long, long goal kick right into Hu Liu’s feet, who controlled it brilliantly before breaking past Karlsnes to reach of the edge of the area. With the home defence rapidly closing down, the Hu Liu dummied to shoot – utterly confounding the opposing defenders- before casually back heeling the ball into the path of the onrushing Rosebotham, who took one touch before flicking the ball on to the unmarked head of - you guessed it – Ainsley Tobin! All in all then, a game that can comprehensively be summed up in two words – “one one”. Still, judging by the strength of today’s performances, we can certainly expect these two teams to challenge for the title, and neutrals should be rubbing their hands in glee in anticipation of the return fixture on the last day of the season – it could very well be a title decider! VOLUME ONE PART TWO FOLLOWS TOMORROW Thanks, Roger Federer PS: The wife's just had some kids! Another set of twins, for me, Roger Federer! Such a happy moment! I was too busy writing the reports that I almost missed the birth! Twins again.. miracle!

Hi everyone, Roger Federer here. My favorite gaming trees are the trees from 'Proteus' and the large tree in the background of Blanka's stage in Street Fighter 2. Thanks, Roger Federer

Hi everyone, Roger Federer here! Thumped. AGAIN. This is something I must become used to in these, the final years of my career as Professional Greatest Tennis Player of All Time. This is such a horribly good league. My journalism will be out shortly! Hopefully the schedule will be every Sunday or Monday. It will be called 'Match Points with Roger Federer'. But mostly I am just posting because the forums won't let me post pictures until I have posted 15 times so you may see me post some more filler nonsense tomorrow. Looking forward to Madrid Masters Guys! See you on court! Thanks, Roger Federer

Hi everyone, Roger Federer here. Well played in the first game, Silverdale, feel I was perhaps a little more negative than I should have been, but, then again, it is clay season. I expect to be thoroughly outplayed my most teams this season. Like the British Davis Cup Team! Ha! I am currently working on some journalistic exploits with my pal Winston. Expect them to be uploaded shortly. Amazing, wonderful, sublime first post as usual Haden! I am so happy to be compared to Leonardo diCaprio! I just love that film, the famous sad one with him and Kate Winslet! It's set in the past and they are Americans, and it ends with a sad sad death! Can you guess what I'm talking about? That's right! Revolutionary Road! Thanks all, Speak soon, Roger Federer

Come on Eights you must be joking! Familia are a good side but everyone knows bob were the toughest round of 16 challengers. Oh, wait... Anyway, congratulations on winning Wimbledon, Nikos! What a team! What a day! What a moment to be alive! This whole universe, every last facet of being – it is yours!; that vast, terrifying depth of existence, that awesome (in every sense of the word) weight of consciousness; it belongs to you today!; every atom, every microbe, every last organism; every man, every woman, every cat, dog and ape; every politician, every football manager, every young couple gazing longingly into each other's eyes!; every carefully-crafted masterpiece, every act of charity, every tear on a young babe's cheek!; All of evolution, all of human history, leading to this day, this day, a day pregnant heavy with destiny; a day on which footballing legends, standing at the gates of Olympus, turned, like Benjamin's Angel, to face the unrelenting onslaught of History, and gazed upon that great and terrible thing; they looked upon the approaching tide of fate, and, somehow, remained calm, stoic, undeterred, utterly determined, focussed in the way only an Xpert Manager on a mid-sized Nintendo Fan Forum can be! THIS IS LIFE. THIS IS ART. THIS IS DEATH. THIS IS LOVE, THIS IS FATE, THIS IS EVERYTHING. THIS. IS. XPERT!!!!! Thanks, as always, Roger Federer

Hi everyone, Roger Federer here, I just want to say - Wow! What a season we’re having! This champion’s league format is such a smash, the most fun I’ve had since that crazy party we had at Stan’s house after his Australian Open Win! Oh man! Oh Stan! Anyway, it’s great to see so much close competition – just check out that Mushroom League! It’s tighter than a pair of John McEnroe’s short shorts! The boys are performing really well right now, I’m so proud. I’ve been using a larger racket head since the end of last year, and it’s really been helping with my game, so I thought, why not have the Crew play in bigger shoes? So I’ve got them all clomping round the training ground in size 15 shoes. What a comical image! But it really seems to have paid off. We’re playing better than ever! If we can sink the Yellow Submarine at home and get a result against Drago, then I believe we can win the league. And why not the championship? A win in the Xpert Champions League would be worth 10,000 ATP Ranking Points! I’d rocket back to world number one! Yeah! Roger Federer! Your pal, Roger Federer

Hi everyone, Roger Federer here, What a shocker! I'm just recuperating from my match today against Gasquet, and suddenly, I'm thrown back into the managerial ring! Del Potro's gonna have to wait! Woooooooahh! Lovely intro post Peeps. I'd like to think I'm the Littlefinger of the group - sneaking my way up from humble beginnings in the world of professional tennis into the top flight of fictional football management! I expect a thorough bashing tomorrow against Intergalactico tomorrow. I am utterly unprepared. So in lieu of playing good football/tennis this season, I'd also like to throw my journalistic hat in the ring and propose that I write some write-ups of the Elite League games? If no one is doing them already? Root for me against Del Potro! Thanks, As always, Roger Federer

Oh, hi everyone! Roger Federer here, So I'm currently feeling despondent and delighted in equal measure. My elimination in Shanghai against Monfils is very much the equivalent to those lower league faves Andy's AllStars demolishing Yellow Submarine 6-0, and very much puts my status as a top 10 player in doubt. And my tennis devs are bad, you would not even believe! A measly 11, this far into the season! I hear Nadal is on 18 devs right now, how am I even meant to compete against that? Of course, you'd be right to assume that my drop in the world rankings correlates nicely with my continued progress in the N Europe world... an unexpected win today against an obstinate Leeds side sees my promotion guaranteed, and I can seal it with a #1 year end ranking against my great rival, Haden, come Tuesday. I'm sure it will be a five set smash! I am of course very much 'up for the Davies cup'. One of my favourite tournaments! And I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your continued belief in the beauty of sport. Thanks, Your Pal, Gossip Girl xoxo (only joking! Yours, Roger Federer)

YEEEAAAAHHHHHHHH, what a day! Federer back at number one! With just six ranking points from the next four tournaments, I will ensure my position as ATP Xpert World Number 1 for the end of the season! What a great match against the Elites. I have a lot of respect for that team. Thanks, Roger Federer PS - I am so happy! Thanks Again, Again, Roger Federer

You're having what I like to call a 'Roger Federer Season'. You started as number 1, but you're old, and everyone is beating you, and now you're number 7! Ho ho! The new tactics screen is a true delight. How I would love to tell my defenders to counter-punch on the base line, or my strikers to go for a cheeky, unexpected serve and volley! Thanks, Roger Federer

Roger Federer... Talks Tactics! Hi everyone, Roger Federer here. So I just wanted to respond to the discussions above, if that's OK? Share some of the expertise that I picked up during my years at the top of the men's professional tennis game. So basically, I think my team has been doing very well this season for a couple of reasons: 1) I've been winding down the tennis so I can spend more time with the team. 2) The team I've got is compact, works well together, and, crucially, has no stand out players. If you take a look a the xpert team for each round of games, you'll see that my players are usually missing. It also makes it difficult for opposing teams to pick up on my playmaker choices, as I can easily move the role around and allow other players to pick up the slack. This is most evident in the Sauber, Weyermann, Fosatti set up in midfield. See you in Shanghai! Thanks, Roger Federer

Hi everyone, For today only, the Roger Federer Crew is changing its name to the Stanislas Wawrinka Bad Boyz! All of nature wild and free, Stan-is-las Wa-wrinka! Thanks, Your Friend, ATP World Number Six Even Though I Lost To Robredo In Straight Sets, Roger Federer