At this point in the N64’s life, more and more third party companies were moving away from the Nintendo 64, some didn’t even think that they could even recoup the cost of printing cartridges, let alone development. This is most likely why Taz Express was cancelled in North America, making it one of the few PAL exclusive N64 games. And it’s absolutely terrible.

The biggest issue with Taz Express is movement. While Taz is known for just spinning on the spot and moving around with ease while spinning, that isn’t the case here. Instead, you start off slow and have to run a significant distance to build up speed. If you steer more than a few degrees, then your momentum will stop and you’ll have to start again, and even moving from one polygon to another (on a flat surface) can stop Taz dead in his tracks. The biggest issue with this is that Taz can only spin once he’s built up enough momentum, which is required to break specific walls (easily identifiable by the stretched textures).

Once you do spin, you lose a lot of control, as Taz wobbles from side to side as you move forward, so you really only want to spin right before hitting a wall. The game makes this an absolute nightmare, and I ended up giving up out of frustration on a part filled with cacti and jump platforms (if you get close to one of these, Taz will decide to walk on them and you’ll be thrown to the start of the section). As the jump platforms teleport between different locations, you have to run without turning much, while also timing it for multiple things at once. You can eat food to spin sooner, but it really doesn’t help much. This game is designed specifically to annoy you.

But I haven’t even talked about the main aim of the game. Taz’s wife, She-Devil, has forced him to get a job. I find it interesting that they went with a character that was last used in the cartoons in 1957, instead of tying it in to the much more recent Taz-Mania cartoon. He ends up having to deliver a solitary crate to its destination, and naturally a lot of things get in the way. While holding a crate, Taz can’t jump and he can’t run, so you must slowly walk, and a lot of the game is about clearing the way forward, returning to the crate and slowly walking to the next section.

To make it more annoying, you can’t just leave the crate anywhere, as many levels have enemies that will attack the crate while it’s unattended. There are some “safe” tiles where you can store the crate, but I’ve still had crates destroyed while there. If it takes a few hits, you’ll lose a life and it will appear at the last safe tile you used, although there are plenty of levels that avoid placing these tiles, so you have to risk leaving the crate unattended. One level also ends with spilling about 30 other crates that you have to pick up, one at a time, until you get the right one. This adds zero challenge, it’s just there to frustrate you.

I found one positive thing about Taz Express: after blasting back to Earth from Mars, Wile E Coyote takes the crate and you have to get it back. Here, the level is a long, mostly straight repeating road, letting you get to a very high speed. Once it gets going, it does a great job at making you feel like Road Runner. I’m not sure if that’s exactly a compliment for a game where you play as Taz, but it was the only fun level.

Once you finally finish the game, there’s a plot twist: the crate was actually a present for Taz, containing a costume. This lets you play through the game again, except there are now tiles to use the costume in a minigame. You’ll have to complete the game five times to see everything, which is rather ridiculous padding that Sonic Heroes would be proud of.

Some terrible games can still be entertaining to play, while Taz Express has terrible mechanics and is also immensely boring. It’s frustrating to play, and possibly the most miserable N64 game, without even taking account how poorly this uses the main character’s abilities.

Worst

Taz Express could certainly do with a lot more work before it hits the shelves (our copy was as bugged as the White House) but then again, no amount of tweaking can rescue a game so wracked with critical flaws as to induce genuine despair.

Alan Maddrell, N64 Magazine #43. Review Score: 27%

Remake or remaster?

No.

Official ways to get the game.

There’s no official way to get Taz Express.