Your weekly Nintendo news roundup

It would seem that Iwata-san and half-man half-orc Reggie Fils-Aime (Microsoft Word suggests that young Reginald should have his surname doctored in order to read "Full-Time") were busy getting their newly-updated Halo 2 'on' this week, Foundation-style�resulting in the continuation of their announcement, well, activity hiatus. I would suggest that a sword-wielding Reggie charged in headfirst exclaiming, "I've got rawkets!"�while an SMG-toting Iwata camped like a little bitch, unaware to the viscous rumours that swathed the internets this week regarding their 'revolution' and whether we'll get a glimpse of the machine in the Orange County come May. The result was another mundane week of barely-newsworthy franchise-slinging and the revelation that Nintendo were to continue in their efforts to make the Nintendo DS look even more vile than it already does, rather than producing I don't know, say, some goddamn video games to play on it. Someone get me some coffee.

Thursday was relatively uneventful. Nintendo and Lionhead insisted on bombarding the press with screenshots of their so-called 'video games'. Retinas burned as images of ungainly bubblegum-slob Kirby dripping onto the Nintendo DS surfaced, albeit disappointingly without exclamation marks in Europe (Nintendo money-men, I hope you're listening)�while Peter Molyneux continued to hold his post-modern compass upside-down (which co-incidentally, wouldn't make a blind bit of a difference), showcasing screenshots taken from The Movies instead of finishing Fable. Kirby is the shred of wood in the palm of my foot that erodes my spirit. If Nintendo agree to have it surgically removed, I will refrain from throwing them into a Coliseum with Reggie and a cold slab of meat. That said, I have no doubt that the purchase of both games would lead to elongated smiles and unadulterated joy. That optimism hurt. Real bad. I would mention that Mario Kart's arcade adaptation was set for an end-of-year Japanese release, but I won't.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation took a well-deserved break from wiping memories and the Stargate project to bust some badass criminals who were dealing in, of all things, bootleg Nintendo Entertainment Systems. 60,000 of them, in fact. Sometimes the rose-tinted spectacles just get too much, y'know? Either the conmen were indeed conned themselves, or they're goddamn hardcore. I'd like to think that we live in the world where the latter is entirely plausible. Meanwhile, Future Publishing's proposed acquisition of fellow game-mag publisher Highbury House is under threat somewhat after government watchdog-thingy the Competition Committee intervened. Future's takeover bid would strengthen their already sturdy monopoly over the market, leading to a "substantial lessening of competition" says the OFT. I won't pretend to know what that stands for.

Moving swiftly on, surprisingly nimble serial-nibbler self-confessed man-of-pac, um, Pac-Man has seemingly been caught by the proverbial 'belly' (Natural sugars! They'll get you!) and has metamorphosed into a rolling sphere of yeast and lard in Pac'N Roll for the Nintendo DS (I demand exclamation!)�where we'll see the yellow plonker rolling and spinning around in a touch-controlled 3D update of the classic puzzler. From the article�"In Pac'N Roll, the inhabitants of Pac-World have been turned into spheres by the evil monster Golvis' Ghost Light. Pac-Man must roll his way through Ghost-Land, collecting pellets and confronting Ghosts to save his family and restore peace to Pac-Land."

Sometimes the prospect of plunging headfirst onto the A1 is appealing. Now is one of those moments. Perhaps I could use a copy of the newly announced third-person GameCube action-adventure snore-fest Animaniacs: The Great Edgar Hunt to cushion the blow. Touch! Kirby shot to fifth in the Japanese software chart, undoubtedly due to the inclusion of exclamation�I'd question the sanity or indeed, the ocular proficiency of anyone who bought the game for the franchise alone� while the good-hearted tramp that is the Nintendo DS continued to outsell the PlayStation Portable in the hardware charts�albeit with poorer sales for both sides.

Saturday brought news of inevitably poor American GameCube sales in March, even with the help of Capcom monk-filled scarefest Resident Evil 4, while Reginald successfully continued to bully people into buying the Nintendo DS. Hell, I've bought seven. I like my name, thank you very much. While Garfield whined and ate toothpaste, Monday revealed the aforementioned franchise slinging� with a video game accompaniment for the up-and-coming Pirates of the Caribbean (Oh! Orlando Bloom! He's so dreamy!) sequel hitting the Nintendo DS. Eurocom (World is Not Enough) will also take the 'hit' 'franchise' to the next-generation platforms.

Electronic Arts, meanwhile, revealed that rather unsurprisingly they'll be the first bunch of zealots to air an advert for one of their next-generation titles. Madden NFL's aesthetics will be showcased in a sixty-second ESPN advert on Saturday 23rd of April. Which may or may not be today. "An innovative and unparalleled NFL football experience is what we've promised; and that is what we are going to deliver." It has pretty pictures too. The company, whose plans to obliterate humankind in a waterfall of blood and bile weren't released this week, also unveiled plans for The Sims 2 to appear on both the Nintendo DS and the Game Boy Advance. Now there's a surprise! Did you see that Namco? Did you? Exclamation! It'll take you to the top!

Namco showered us with Shogun Warrior: Real Time Conflict screens on Tuesday, a title which does pretty much exactly what it says on the tin�meanwhile, Nintendo announced their newly-forged partnership with Broadcom Corp. who're apparently quite natty with this wireless online gaming malarkey. Which is nice to know. The Kyoto-based giants also took the time to demonstrate their hatred for the American people, by forcing them to look at that, that, thing. Oh, no, not that sickeningly marvellous white and black Nintendo DS arrangement the Japanese are treated to. Oh, no. Electric Blue. Electric Blue. I say no more.

I lied. I will. But not for long. I'll stop pestering you soon. I realise that I am a plague of pessimism and angst that must be stopped. It is not my nature, only my context!

Well, to finish the week on a high note, those delightful fellows at Warner Bros. are working on a video game adaptation of the TV show Teen Titans!

Oh yes they are!

Gulp. I'm off to the A1.

[email protected]