Your weekly Nintendo news roundup

"Video games were created by these celestial mice, crafted in such a way that those absorbed were the most intelligent and rapturous in their creativity, for along with the tabloid press, who were also distracted by these wonders, they were the most likely to discover their little secret."

Well, if the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy did make reference to our hobby, I'd imagine that things went down the lines of the above. Of course, if Douglas Adams were to have paraphrased Nintendo...

"Nintendo. Once almighty and generous in outlook, the fabled giants of entertainment also burst into fruition at the hands of these rodents; constructed in such a manner as to form a vessel of all things wrong and evil, in an effort to give those who handled the task of summing up their goings-on a ghastly headache. Their most favoured means is to do absolutely nothing. Links between Reginald Fils-Aime and the Vogonsphere are supposedly unfounded."

Let's get it over with.

Thursday. The day after Wednesday. The Imperial Senate cowered as the Empire brought forward their plans for industry domination. First up, Call of Arms Honor Duty in Brothers Medal Defeat: European Assault on Hill 30. Yes, I know Microsoft Word, the Americans can't spell. That's not my fault. Screenshots of Medal of Honor: Genre Assault surfaced, looking well, erm, nice? Apparently they're introducing bullet time to the franchise. I'm thinking that in the deathmatch mode, we have biorifles. Seen as we're going for the whole realism thing. I'm sure those guys that fought so you could metaphorically force the WW2 shooter 'genre' to drop the soap repeatedly were really chuffed to discover that they could use bullet time to defeat the Axis. Get out of my office.

I won't waste my, um, breath on The Sims 2 DS. People, you're paying for real life. It makes less sense than Gwen Stefani. In addition, Peanuts was not meant to be a video game. For a start Namco, people like me have to repeatedly stab the right click button on that infuriating little green wiggly line which tells me that I'm in the wrong. I'm not in the wrong. It's you goddamnit! Think before you act!

Hello Kitty's first three-dimensional video game will be a GameCube exclusive. Pack your bags guys. Nintendo are hitting the big time. I imagine Sony are just kicking themselves over the whole Rockstar thing. What were they thinking? Cutthroat business we're in. Why must Ubi Soft pillage such a treasured franchise? Old Ben would be saddened if he were to see Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith on the Nintendo DS. He deserves so much more. Still, I'll buy it. Hell, stick a Darth Vader sticker on a Sega Saturn and I'll buy it. I'm just a dirty whore. It appears that big floppy-haired girl-pants Leon Kennedy knows how to shift units, as GameCube sales doubled as a result of Resident Evil 4, which sold rather well apparently. I don't understand the appeal really. If I want to shit myself I'll watch Farscape. The fact that that show made it to air is scary enough. Handheld bore-fest Advance Wars DS is looking surprisingly boring, although folks seem to have a yearning for it. Some positivity might have permeated my soul if the news that The O.C. will not be airing today hadn't reached me. I long for tales of Newport Beach.

Warning. Unexpected optimism. Zelda. Epona. My life. Complete. Just click.

Touch! Kirby remained the little representation Nintendo enjoyed in the Japanese software charts, claiming seventh, while the PlayStation brand continued to outsell Nintendo on all fronts in the hardware ladder. I think the exclamation gag is getting a little old, so I'll refrain. Old. But true! Prince of Persia 3 is unsurprisingly on its way thanks to Ubi Soft, apparently fusing the best bits of the other two, throwing two playable characters into the mix. Please let it be Aladdin. I will give you my firstborn! I'll settle for Jafar!

I think the only good that can come out of a Day of Reckoning sequel is the ability to create SomethingAwful's Lowtax and then proceed to kick the living daylights out of the Ultimate Warrior. The Fantastic Four is another franchise that I hold dear. Luckily, both the silver-screen adaptation and the video game look enjoyable. Although that Nip/Tuck fella needs to be a little more doomish. Free Latveria, and whatnot. Caduceus for the Nintendo DS will inevitably join the ranks of the 'nice-gimmick-but-get-off-my-wallet' brigade. I guess it's cheaper than going to med school. Or you could just watch ER.

Carter. Now he's dreamy!

I wouldn't take Killer 7 home to meet my parents. I don't think I'd take it home. After seeing that trailer, I'll only play it in a pearly white room surrounded by priests and bunny rabbits. In the morning. Somehow, Nintendogs is selling by the bucketload in Japan, and we're talking more than Super Mario 64 DS here. I would like to think that I'd be able to explain this. I can't. Surely the cost of a trip to the dog shelter is cheaper? Crazy.

That's it for this week. Sorry for the delay. Napoleon and Cabinet Collective Responsibility took up my time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Han Solo and a 44" plasma telly.

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