Dead horses get bullied here

Hey kids, it's nearly the start of a new console generation - and you know what that means? (*play pre-recorded excitable children here*) That's right, it's time for everyone talking about games to repeat everything they said approximately five years ago! Sony is lying about its statistics; people don't care about online gaming as much as Microsoft thinks; Nintendo has a bad image problem, etc. etc.

I am not immune to such things, and so today I will be talking about Nintendo's image problem - specifically about its image over here in Europe. It's been a long and rocky road, and Nintendo has always had issues communicating to the Europeans. See if you recognise some of these reasons: dismal marketing, long delays in releases, poor scheduling of releases, and dedicated publications that I wish would crawl under a rock and die.

Nintendo broke into the European market the same way as they did in the US. Donkey Kong and the Game & Watch systems made certain that Nintendo's name was known, but unlike the US, where the name gain was followed shortly by the release of the NES, we waited an extra three years before the system was released over here - that's no less than half a decade after the original Japanese release. In a bizarre twist, Europe was broken up into two regions, each with their own version of the NES that wouldn't play games from the other. Release lists were jumbled up between the two, so some games were released on the mainland, while the UK and Italy never saw them.

The NES was THE console to own in Japan and America, but over here it was in a firm third place, behind the Sega Master System and the Commodore 64 - that's right, the old tape-based screamers were more popular in Europe than the almighty NES. In my schooldays I had three friends who owned a NES (for Duck Hunt more than anything), but nearly everyone had the Master System and/or Commodore 64. At this young and impressionable age I was almost swayed by Alex Kidd, but luckily I pulled through it in time for Super Mario Bros. 3.

The SNES was again behind Sega's Mega Drive (Genesis to our non-European readers). Street Fighter II made the race very close, and the arrival of Donkey Kong Country put Nintendo firmly in the lead. The SNES days were the Nintendo marketing golden age. Rik Mayall screamed his way through ads for Super Mario All-Stars and Super Mario Kart, bus stops throughout London were turned into DK Islands for a few weeks... ah, those were the days. Nintendo took first place, and with the obvious success of the Game Boy in tow, Nintendo held the top spot until the release of the Playstation a couple of years later. Since then, Nintendo has slipped down the hill. The final year of the N64 was a disaster, and the Gamecube is looking to go the same way. However, rather than abandon us completely, Nintendo has made it their mission to please us, using some very odd tactics.

Gamecube-era Nintendo adverts have been nothing short of embarrassing. Ocarina of Time's adverts were the first and last videogame ads to make me shiver with anticipation - the Wind Waker's "sister-in-tower" ad did not. Getting some crummy half-Mario half-Saturday morning entertainer to dub over footage from Super Mario Sunshine and Mario Kart: Double Dash caused me deep psychological trauma. Since then, Nintendo has dedicated itself to print ads, with frankly confusing and messy adverts made up of collages of official artwork and random stock pics. The original WarioWare one was funny because it was relevant - the rest have been tiresome, especially the Donkey Konga and Jungle Beat print ads.

The Nintendo DS has taken a different approach altogether. Aggressive marketing has been its key: posters throughout town centres, the early release for Nintendo VIP members, sponsoring Friday night comedy on Channel 4... the DS has got the formula nearly perfect. The name is out there, the system is a huge success the world over... it's ready to dominate the handheld market this Christmas. Rejoice! How come Nintendo hasn't taken the same route with the Gamecube lately? Can they only afford to sell one console at a time? Frankly, they're in a position where they can't afford NOT to sell Gamecubes this Christmas. There is a new Zelda coming out, after all.

Let us move on to that other form of printed word: videogame publications. I am a devoted reader of Edge magazine, the industry's Rolling Stone. I am also a hideously embarrassed reader of Nintendo Official Magazine UK. Each month I expect the girl at the checkout to giggle, tell me I'm too old to be reading this kind of thing, and then mutter about me as I leave. At 22 years of age, I'm aware the magazine isn't really written for me, but then I'm not entirely sure WHO it is written for. They aim it at the low-teens end of the market, but still review gritty 18-rated games - peppered, no less, with mild swearing and references to "sneaking this one past your parents". Surely that's just irresponsible.

The magazine has some fantastic opportunities, such as interesting interviews, a large "Big in Japan" section, and access to some exclusive news opportunities. But it is all wrapped up in a package that has ignored the shape of videogame demographics in the last seven years. While early copies (some of which I owned) featured a large variety of games on its cover, now it's Mario and Pikachu almost monthly. Each section is wrapped in bright, saccharine colours - offputting to anyone over the age of 13 (at least), and definitely going to put off anybody considering buying a Nintendo system. The freebies are cheap and tacky, some 500-word previews manage to tell you no more than two things about the game, and I had to stop myself cursing loudly every time I see something lifted wholesale (screenshots and all) off my own website without credit... usually once every three issues. I only wonder how many more websites are pillaged in this way.

Oh, and to top it all, the price of this flimsy piece of damage-to-Nintendo's-reputation has now reached the �4 mark... the same price I pay for Edge, a quality glossy publication that takes videogames very seriously indeed.

Nintendo's reputation hangs by a thread. In 2004 it had a very successful E3, with the Nintendo DS and the unveiling of Twilight Princess. This year its announcements were way under what was expected. No controller, no footage... another new Game Boy Advance design... and suddenly Nintendo is in the doldrums again. Nintendo problems are largely marketing based - as we all know Nintendo makes the best games, right?

If I were marketing director of Nintendo Europe for just one day, I would fire the staff at NOM UK and rebrand it, put more TV ads up, and lose those goddamn crazy Gamecube print ads. Hell, I'm a graphic designer. I'll make print ads for them... but I would want to be paid in videogames.

Fryguy64...signing off

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[As usual, this article reflects the views of the individual writer, and not CE as a whole or any of its affiliates etc. Just so we don't get a knock on the door from NOM's legal team. I'd include NOE in this disclaimer, but let's face it: they're probably used to being slagged off by now. - Ed]