Boy, am I ever in my 30’s…

So, it has been a long while since I have written anything worth publishing for N-Europe – 1 a.m. drunken rants against the noisy people upstairs slovenly typed on the forums don’t count, so I’ve learned – and I decided to have a go, years after the last of my (in)famous Fire Flower columns went live.

Being a gamer in your thirties brings a few advantages and disadvantages: mercifully gone are the days of scraping and saving for the latest “must-have” that lasts all of eight hours and then gets traded in a month and a half later. This is thanks to something called “Disposable income” which I apparently have now. Therefore, “want” has magically become the same as “have” and my hard drives are full of downloaded gems that I have yet to have the time to enjoy.

However, with great age comes great nagging, as married life takes its toll on happiness and “me” time. A word of advice for anyone considering marriage: “Put your phone down for five minutes and I will talk to you” is not considered an appropriate response to the accusation of “You play too many video games and never talk to me.” It does not go down well.

Anyway, with age (theoretically) comes experience and wisdom. While I’ll certainly claim the former, the latter somehow eludes my grasp as I will admit to having numerous gaming regrets over the years. Wisdom would tell me that I need to get over this, move on and certainly not bore people to death with my incoherent semi-lucid ramblings about the things I missed… somehow, I can’t. So here it begins.

I have never been “wowed” by a Mario Platformer.

Mario pretty much epitomises Nintendo for the man on the street: he is virtually synonymous with the company and its reputation. Which is pretty much why I can’t stand the guy and his platform games.

I love Mario Kart (rubber banding aside), the Mario RPGs are a hoot (when I’ve managed to find time for them) and the Party games, though showing their age, are still a great ice breaker for those people who have only a passing acquaintance with video games.

But the platformers? No. Never.

It all started with Super Mario World: I was a latecomer to the 16-bit console party, as I received my first Megadrive in 1994 and the slew of games that came with it kept me occupied for months. However, I had always cast an envious eye over my friend’s SNES and the Donkey Kong Country games, Star Fox and the Legend of Zelda. Somehow I managed to persuade my parents that I needed another console, so for Christmas 1996 I received a SNES, Donkey Kong Country 2 and Super Mario World.

While I had fleetingly played the arcade version of Super Mario Bros 2 in the local swimming pool/drug addict hangout, I had never really experienced the “excellence” of Mario. I was, naturally, excited to experience the “wonder” for the first time. What proceeded from that first insertion of the game pak was a disappointment of massive proportions: for me, this was more like a test of patience than a video game to be enjoyed. The Hammer Bros. seemed to always be just too quick, the inertia of Mario’s jumps too much to stop effectively and he supposed “secrets” were just not worth finding.

Fast forward to Summer 1997 and I had my first job at the age of 14, working for cash-in-hand as a pot boy and waiter at the smokiest, most disreputable greasy spoon in my local area. My goal? An N64. When I had finally saved enough to make what I needed to buy the basic package with Wave Race, my next target was Mario 64. This game had been heralded as a potential “best game of all time” and therefore I had to have it.

Once again, I was let-down. Sure, the game was visually ground-breaking stuff, and delivered the Mushroom Kingdom in a way that had never been done before… yet it managed to be terribly dull for me at the same time. The levels did not particularly excite, the characters that populated the world were devoid of personality and the hub world of the Princess’ Castle was just empty. But what disappointed me most was that the worlds were not free-roaming: while a player could wander around all they wanted, there was little reward for doing so, and parts of the level were locked-off and mission-specific. The one-star-at-a-time mechanic felt incredibly limiting and really detracted from the experience. This is the main reason that I have always favoured Banjo-Kazooie over Mario 64. In B-K, virtually the whole of an area was open to explore, with only a slight limitation in that sometimes the player had not unlocked the ability necessary to collect a particular prize. 

The only Mario platformer that I can say I “enjoyed” was Mario Sunshine, and Sunshine was the Mario game many people derided as “gimmicky”. Even so, it still suffered the same flaws as Mario 64, though there did feel as though exploration could net slightly more reward for the player. Mario Galaxy 1 and 2 were both visually stunning, but the spectacle outweighed the experience, for me, at least. Though it must be said, the addition of a real story with genuine emotional beats improved things dramatically, it wasn’t really enough to stop the game feeling similar to its predecessors.

The New Super Mario Bros games on handhelds and home consoles only exacerbated my original gripes with Super Mario World: too much precision is required to succeed, and my patience, combined with a complete lack of depth perception (partially blind, should have mentioned that earlier) will not stand this. Exploration is present in the game, but it still feels somewhat two-dimensional. There is a depth to the games that was not necessarily there before, however the underlying game mechanic produces no urge to explore in me.

This lack of enthusiasm for Mario platformers leaves me feeling regretful because, quite frankly, virtually the entirety of the rest of the gaming community raves about them. Xbox and Playstation fans may smugly talk about processing power and HD+ graphics, but mention the latest iteration in the main Mario franchise, and even they have to agree that there’s nothing quite like it on their consoles.

Well, there you have it. The first of my Gaming Regrets. Please note, that this article is the opinion of an individual and in no way impacts or affects you and your perception of any of the games mentioned.