Throwback Thursday... on a Sunday?! I've thrown out the rule book for the sake of love! Join me for some dating tips from SEGA to ensure you Feel the Magic this evening.

How did you spend Valentine’s day this year? Did your partner finally allow you to try out your crazy fetish? Did you squirt chocolate sauce around the house? Or did you spend the day alone making jokes on Twitter about having pizza and watching Netflix? However you spent it, I’m sure it wasn’t as dramatic as mine – trying to get a damn gold fish out of my future girlfriends stomach. I suppose stomach pumping to retrieve a goldfish is better than for vodka or overdosing purposes though, another result of many Valentines day’s I’m sure.

But yes, as SEGA is the current love of my life I decided to re-visit one of my first DS experiences – Project Rub! Or Feel The Magic for those of an American flavour. This highly stylised game, with some hot pixel goldfish shirts and fabulous dresses, has our protagonist carry out a series of bizarre and crazy touch-screen mini-games to win over the love of his life. Imagine the trials and tribulations that Jason had to go through to bag Kylie Minogue but in the form of a DS title and with less denim. With this in mind, I’m hoping this title can give both me and you some tips on how to love again and find a dream date by following the events of Project Rub.

Dating tip 1 – Parachute!

So how do you impress a girl? Do you take her to dinner somewhere fancy like the average Joe or... throw a load of people out of a plane with parachutes? The second one, that’s what you should do. Not only that, but type in a string of long numbers on an awkward keypad to make the parachutes open, else the people you've hired will fall to their death.

Dating tip 2 – Become a Karate master!

So, the sun is setting, the sky is littered with screaming Japanese men parachuting to their early graves and the girl you love so dearly is still unimpressed? Damn, you’ve got to up your game!

Thankfully for you, after the initial parachuting shenanigans you shouldn’t have to think about any more romantic gestures as the rest comes naturally. For example, it’s commonly known that after mass parachuting, bulls like to wake up from their slumber and go on a rampage, with their only target of destruction being the hot love you’ve been fawning over for eternity. It's up to you to karate chop the bulls away, rendering them harmless and loveable! 

After displaying such dramatic karate skills and potentially saving the life of your muse, surely she’ll be begging for your fedora and cane? Nope, not yet, she’s dirty you see, but not in the good way, she’s physically dirty, because of you and all that karate - you went and flung mud everywhere! So go grab a hot towel and clean her off!

Dating tip 3 – Give her a wipe!

In this instance you have to be careful to clean her gently, making her red in the face and causing her to let out screams of pleasure, whilst making sure it’s still apparent you are merely cleaning mud off her and not have people think you’re some sort of massaging wonder-boy. As the cleaning gets hot and heavy, her groans ever louder and the music sensual, be sure to say, “damn that’s clean!” to alleviate any tension and leave the room immediately, this is sure to make her love meter hit the roof.

Dating tip 4 – Steal a shopping trolley and become an artist!

After all these great times together, surely you’ve got the girl now? Sadly not. It seems she’s quite hard to please and sadly for you, the series of unfortunate events has ended and there’s no longer some way to be heroic. I guess it’s time to get out the rule book and start impressing her again. But what now? Perhaps a movie? Not Godzilla or Pokémon, a romantic film, but not too romantic, you don’t want something with Leonardo DiCaprio or Zac Efron, she’ll be too busy marvelling at how hot they are. No, try and find a romantic movie with an ugly guy, like Hugh Grant. No? Nah, you see, that’s what the average guy would do.

To win a girls heart you should... get in a shopping trolley and race down a hill! Not only that, but make sure it’s a hill with spikes all over it, if you can roll down a hill in a shopping trolley and avoid random spikes she’ll think, “damn, that boy’s a keeper”. After an evening of ignoring her and playing the trolley spike game, her love meter will shoot up, as will your street credibility.

This isn’t quite enough though, we must go deeper... graffiti perhaps? Yes, perfect! Every clueless person who pretends to love art likes the work of Banksy - It’s a flawless plan!

Dating tip 5 – Lie!

So you spend the evening out in the cold, spraying buildings with rubbish love hearts and pictures of rabbits, all the while imagining the look on the face of your crush as you show her your crude art. You invite her down, she takes a look and barely breaks a smile. Panicking, you blurt out, “But... it’s not me, I got Banksy to do it!” wondering hopelessly if she will believe your sinful lies. Her eyes widen, lip trembles and she softly says, “really...? Oh, I see it now... it’s so unique, and a message about our society and...” she gasps as you place your finger on her lip and whisper, “I knew you’d love it, let’s take a picture and put it on Facebook... imagine the likes”. Her love meter climbs considerably.

Dating tip 6 – Ride a monocycle!

From this moment on, the spark is ignited and you’re no longer just that guy who follows her around doing weird stuff to get her attention, instead you’re a potential love interest and everything you do from this moment will be judged harshly with the “is he boyfriend material?” mind-set.

I guess it’s time to impress her some more then, but how? Flowers? No, that’s what a normal guy would do... Instead you should ride a monocycle over a series of thin and increasingly complicated bridges! Wheeling your way to a world of love, the speed in which you learnt the ways of the monocycle are impressive, but you’re no Rocket: Robot on Wheels so this won’t be enough, you really need to pull out all the stops but... sadly I’m all out of ideas. Wait... is that a delivery vehicle full of scorpions? I think it’s time to be a hero again!

Dating tip 7 – Kill scorpions!

You’re walking along a path with your wonder girl and thinking about holding her hand, I mean, you’re not sure, you don’t want this relationship to go at a crazy speed... alas, the seed has been planted in your mind but wait - A delivery van is swerving all over the road and about to crash! Jumping out of the way, you and your future wife narrowly avoid death but the problems don’t stop there! The van is a delivery of scorpions, all of which have escaped and are now crawling over the future mother of your children! It’s up to you to wield a gun and shoot those scorpions off her – Don’t shoot her though, she'll get angry if you do that, potential future wives don't like being shot. After such an event, her love meter is bound to go out of control.

Dating tip 8 – Save her life

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When a fat man tries to kill your future Robin Sparkles, kill him... with lemons? As we’ve seen so far, trying to be romantic will be met with low to moderate acceptance, but saving your love from disaster shall yield slightly better results. Luckily for us then, instead of having to conjure up yet another romantic gesture, we just have to wait for some some fat stalker to throw your dream girl in the back of a van – Now it’s time to be the hero one last time! Catch up to the van, slay the fat guy and wait as your chosen future lover bows down to you and accepts your undying love once and for all. 

End Game

And that’s it. Follow all the steps laid out by SEGA and you should have yourself a beautiful, faceless girlfriend for next Valentine’s Day! Personally, everything I’ve learnt about love and relationships is from this game – And I'm here writing about it on Valentine's day so... I'm not sure where that leaves us on the validity of these tips - But you should follow them anyway.

Well, the pizza delivery guy is here and I don't think he's going to throw me in the back of his van but if you want to come and rub dirt off me or send a few pictures of your street art then go ahead. Good luck and have a great Valentine's Day!