E3 is coming and everyone is going to be disappointed and we all know it. In and attempt to minimise the tragedy of the anti-climax, we've gone ahead and categorically ruled out five of the most anticipated inclusions of Nintendo's showings. We all want these things to happen, and there's no point denying it, so we might as well start getting through the grief now.

Retro Studios's new Ice Climber horror reboot

When Retro Studios inevitably reveals its long-awaited Wii U game to be Donkey Kong 64 Returns, much ado will be made about a 'missed opportunity' to create a brand new, grittier original title. But very few will think to realise that what the studio should be doing is reviving one of Nintendo's most beloved IP. The 80's classic might not have seen an original release since the 80's original, but interest in this storied franchise has never been higher, with a recent 3DS Virtual Console re-release probably breaking all download sales records. The prospect of reviving the series as a mature, grimdark horror experience waters the mouth, and we'll shiver at the knees at the Silent Hill-inspired ending twist that both characters are actually dead and you've played the game inside the mind of a hammer.

The Legend of Zelda: Other Z – Sakamoto's new baby

Yoshio Sakamoto established himself as a figure the entire Metroid community could unite around when he delivered the faithful Metroid: Other M, so surely it's only fair that Nintendo give him their highest-profile series to have a ride on. Sakamoto is probably too busy wrangling with Kiefer Sutherland's agents in his quest to give Link a voice for the first time, so we probably won't see the next main Zelda game at this year's E3. Rest assured, when it finally is revealed, everything we love about the series will be present, including sprawling, melodramatic narratives; violent close-combat; and A* (GCSE) grade dialogue. Aonuma will look on with great shame and jealousy.

John Riccitiello announced as a playable character in Super Smash Bros.

Set the scene. We're coming to the climax of the Nintendo Direct address, and while we're all disappointed with the no-showing of Ice Climber X and Zelda: Other Z, Iwata-san gets a twinkle in his eye. He beams with excitement as he announces an unprecedented partnership to bring the most in-demand gaming figure to the next Smash Bros. The former EA CEO – who did so well leading the company that he resigned from his post in March – is a such a natural fit for a game that celebrates all-things Nintendo. Along with the selling power of his inclusion, Riccitiello could in return leverage his influence to bring the biggest EA games – including MySims, Boogie, and Ninja Reflex – to Wii U. Because he still knows people. You know he's good for it.

That F-Zero action-RPG that's totally a good idea

You know. Like Mass Effect with racing bits. For some reason, it's one of the more enduring fanboy desires around the N-E forum, and it seems to spawn from no more than the passing description of Captian Falcon as a "bounty hunter". The idea is like some unrestrained fan-fiction. Perhaps someone can help us understand. Regardless, it's about on a level with 'Star Fox X Metroid', or 'Uncharted-inspired StarTropics reboot'. We won't see an epic, F-Zero adventure at E3, because we won't see another F-Zero game. Ever. Sorry.

Spin The Bottle wins Best In Show

Even though it totally should. I mean, just look at this.

What other completely reasonable game announcements can we expect to not happen next week? Let us know your thoughts below.