When Majesco announced Masaya Matsuura’s NanaOn-Sha and Rodney Alan Greenblat, the masterminds behind the revolutionary PaRappa The Rapper, were making a game for the Wii fans were excited. After all, PaRappa is the grandfather of modern rhythm games and created the canvas that music games likeRock Band and Donkey Konga use, not to mention the other gems NanaOn-Sha released likeUm Jammer Lammy and Vib Ribbon. In a console where innovation is the keyword, Major Minor’s Majestic March’s team seemed the right one for the job. Something went wrong though.

The concept showed some promise: you control Major Mike Minor, a drum major that wants to lead a successful marching band. So you obviously wield a talking baton imbued with the spirit of Mike’s Great Great Grandma Gladiola, or GGGG for short. While she is depicted as having marvellous magical powers that motivate people, it seems that in fact she’s using some sort of hypnosis to enslave them. Moving on, you use said baton to recruit band members and set the tempo for the songs. You swing the Wii Remote up and down to set the rhythm and to the sides at the right time to recruit members and grab items. However, not just any tempo will do, as each band member has its own pace and if the tempo is too slow or too fast, they’ll get tired and drop out of the band. So far so good; the premise of swinging the Remote like a baton to mark a tempo for a marching band and scouting for new members, while juggling to keep them all happy, could work. But unfortunately it doesn’t.

When you start a level, you set a rhythm and at first (read: for a few seconds) it seems that keeping the initial rhythm kind of works with GGGG helping you along the way. She tells you when you need to slow down or speed up via the Remote speaker, which is actually a nice touch. However her voice will make you want to kill someone after a while. When it’s time to change the tempo of the swing the whole thing crumbles apart. The moment you start to slow down or speed up, the game instantly recognizes it as an off-tempo swing, leaving you flustered without knowing if you’re doing it wrong or if it’s the game’s fault. Meanwhile band members just drop out. Eventually you find some kind of acceptable tempo without knowing exactly what happened and finish the level on your first try.

To scout members you need to swing the baton to the left or right when an exclamation point on top of them turns green, but always in time with your rhythm. This is about the only part of the game that gives some sort of rhythmic sense or satisfaction and shows that with well-implemented controls the game could’ve worked. Scattered throughout the levels are items that can either help or hurt your bands’ status, as well as a sneaky eggplant fox (yes you read that right) that messes with the flow of the song. You can also grab candy that is kept on a dispenser and when you wish to you can give it to the band by pressing the B button to improve their status. You can turn on a Tempo Assist to help you if you're having a rough time, which pretty much makes the game play by itself leaving you only with the task of recruiting members.

March, march keep on marching!

If you pick up enough band members you’ll enter Drill Time where you need to replicate some simple on screen gestures for bonus points. Halfway through the level you’ll also have to point at several signs to halt your band, thus avoiding them from being trampled by a mob for example. This was obviously implemented so you can rest your arms; since you’re always flailing them around and using small gestures just won’t cut it. Thankfully the songs are short so your arm might not fall off, unless you haven’t been eating right.

While some may notice the game’s designs are from Rodney Alan Greenblat, the truth is they don’t have an ounce of the charmPaRappa or Um Jammer had. Although some animal designs are cute, and others look like they’re straight out of Happy Tree Friends, they just doesn’t leave a good taste in the mouth. While good graphics weren’t expected an art style that would make them tolerable, if not loveable, was something NanaOn-Sha rhythm game fans were used to. Between the levels you’re presented with hand drawn cut scenes consisting of incredibly annoying voices narrating what is no doubt a story geared for children.

The game has 7 levels in which your band will play medleys of 25 classical songs and only one original track, which unfortunately is like ear rape. Even with all the messy controls, you can sweep through all the levels in about 30 minutes and will be left with very little motivation to go back. Still, yours truly went back, thinking that perhaps I was doing it wrong and the controls actually worked. They didn’t. With practice you can get it right a little more often, but the fact is that the game simply controls terribly. So even with the normal difficulty mode where you’ll be able to scout for new animals and see their profiles, the 2 player and CPU co-op, where one player recruits and the other sets the tempo (meaning the CPU co-op is the same as playing with the Tempo Assist) and the 2 player contest mode you won’t feel compelled to go back.

Putting disappointment aside, Major Minor’s Majestic March still is a game you should avoid. Even though it is clearly geared for children (which isn’t a bad thing as it is a valid choice) you can find much better choices out there, ones with more replay value and which are less likely to throw kids into a blind rage.