Glad you could make it. Welcome to the first edition of BitchZone, a column I'll be writing weekly, where I'll deal with an orgy of different topics from the gaming world. As well as generally moaning, bitching and complaining about the lack of Spongebob Squarepants outings on the GameCube. Don't lie to yourself. You know you love him. I told you I'd be back.

Well, this week I'm handling the delicate topic of the PlayStation generation, and how the platform's legion of followers constant gloating is about to turn back round and slap them in the face. The PlayStation 2 is in a league of it's own, dominating the hardware charts in all territories. The consoles predecessor included, the introduction of the product manufactured by the constantly innovating Sony has been nothing short of a phenomenon. And small reasons aside, the biggest jewel in Sony's crown is that the PlayStation is cool.

The PlayStation is the cool kid, the one who smokes, drinks and has sex every weekend. You know that one which sits at the back of class. Looking too cool to be in school. Also there's the GameCube, that lad next door; he is a real nice, polite lad. But he doesn't have the cool factor. People like him, but he's a bit too sugar-coated for their liking. Then there's that one kid, who's rather mysterious. He is the new kid, uncharted territory. He has the geekish look about him, which interests other children. He is new ground to explore. He has potential in the social ladder. He's the Xbox, sitting in the home console's theoretical classroom

When a young guy or gal, who happens to be new to our most wonderful gaming world, walks into their local GAME in search of a new console to quench their thirst for gaming, the employees might as well remove all the 'Cubes from the shelves. On one hand they have a sleek black platform, complete with a tasty looking game packed with sex, cars, drugs and violence. Yum. On the other they have a cute purple console, which comes in a tidy package, featuring a primary-colour filled game starring a cute, fat plumber who uses water to destroy flowers covered in goo. Who goes, you decide. I'm sure Davina McCall would be interviewing the Nintendo console that eviction night.

And that is why the PlayStation is so successful. It's because of our society. It's because of the way our world works. If you're not cool, then you "suck ass". The GameCube is simply not cool. Up until now, violence, sex, gore and drugs have never featured on a Nintendo console under the direction of Yamauchi-san, and even now, with Nintendo under Iwata's reign, those factors are in short supply to say the least. And for many gamers that is not just good enough.

In the world today, casual gamers dominate. Like Mark commented in his recent article, when the PlayStation was released, a needle full of mainstream ignorance was plunged into the gaming world's theoretical arm. And that ignorance caused the gaming charts to go the same way of the music charts, it doesn't matter how good the product is. It's how cool it is, that, that really counts.

And this is a disease which has plagued Nintendo gamers ever since the grey box was released way back in the '90's, PlayStation-toting gamers know that the PS is cool, and boy do they rub it in. The sheer frustration Nintendo's followers experience is phenomenal. It is incredibly hard to explain to a PS2-owning teenager covered in acne how great the GameCube really is. The only response the informer would receive would be a blank face and a comment relating to the fact that the GameCube is in no way cool. Or hip. Or hop. Hum�

The war which rages on between the two groups is a one sided battle, because the Sony gamers know that it hurts us. And it does. We are so frustrated when they tell us that if a game simply isn't cool, it belongs in the bin. It pains us inside. We are losing this battle. The injection of ignorance hurts us every time we talk to a casual, stereotypical PlayStation owner. We can never get our point across. My previous comments come with a disclaimer; I'm not saying every PlayStation owner is the stereotypical ignorant, casual gamer. Far from it, I am merely pointing out that the introduction of the Sony machine created a hell of a lot of the aforementioned type of gamers, much like a plague, which will eventually destroy our industry if nothing is done about it.

Which brings me nicely onto my next point; the battle is about to take a swift turn in the opposite direction. You see, Nintendo will never not have enough cash to create a home console. And do you know why that is? Game Boy. The wondrous money-spinning machine creates so much revenue that it will keep Nintendo afloat for years to come. Because you see, the Game Boy doesn't need to be cool; it is cool, because it isn't cool.

The target age group of the Game Boy is 8-12 year olds. An age where the fact that a particular title doesn't feature gore, violence, sex and drugs doesn't necessarily mean that game wouldn't sell by the million. Titles like Pokemon, fluffy characters in a make-believe world, and Super Mario Advance, a cute plumber jumping through a fantasy world, bring in the cash. Because they appeal to the target age group, the fact that those titles are regarded as not being cool by the PlayStation generation means that they are cool for Game boy owners of a younger age. The handheld market is Nintendo's domain. The argument PlayStation owners put across, to argue that GameCube pails in comparison to their console of choice, is working in our favour this time.

When Sony revealed the PSP at E3, I couldn't have been happier. The main factor which makes the PlayStation so popular is going to work to Nintendo's advantage rather than Sony's, the main handheld consumers don't like the factors which PlayStation owners adore, they like sugar- coated, fluffy, cute games. Nintendo's forté. If Sony produce hordes of violent games for the PSP, yes, they will be bought by older consumers, but the big money spenders, simply don't like those type of games. And this means they will opt for GBA. And that can only be a good thing. Take that Sony.

And if the Game Boy sells well, like it is now, do you know what that means? Nintendo have more money. And more money = more games, consoles, R&D facilities and better features such as online play. Tell that to your local PS2 "fanboy" on Monday. Watch his face as he ponders the fact that he just got told. You go girl. Or boy.

Well, that's all for this week. Stay healthy, play games, lots of games, and don't forget to rub it in when you go back to school.

- Peace Out
BitchZone is written by Ben Havercroft, Resident Bitcher
[email protected]